Why We Chase: Understanding the "Pursuer" in Relationships
The most common reason couples fall out of love is the pursuer-distancer dynamic that develops over time."
— The Gottman Institute
Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to fix things with someone you care about, the more they seem to back away? Maybe you send more messages, try to smooth things over, or reach out for reassurance… only to feel even more distance growing between you.
If this feels familiar, you might be caught in what therapists call the pursuer–distancer pattern. One person chases connection (the pursuer), while the other pulls back to protect their space (the distancer). Over time, this push-and-pull can leave both people feeling confused, anxious, and emotionally drained.
What Makes Someone a Pursuer
People who take on the pursuer role often fear disconnection. When things feel tense or uncertain, their instinct is to get closer. This could look like:
Reaching out more often through texts or calls
Trying to fix conflict quickly
Asking for reassurance, like “Do you still care about me?”
Taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions
These efforts come from care and a desire for closeness—but they can have the opposite effect. The more one person chases, the more the other feels pressured and pulls away.
Why the Cycle Keeps Going
The pursuer and distancer often reinforce each other without meaning to. The pursuer senses the withdrawal, so they push in closer. The distancer feels pressured, so they retreat further. Both people end up feeling misunderstood and unsatisfied.
This cycle can be exhausting, but recognizing it is the first step to breaking free.
How to Step Out of Pursuer Mode
If you find yourself chasing connection, here are a few shifts that can help:
Pause Before Reacting
When you notice distance, your first instinct may be to act fast. Instead, try pausing. Ask yourself: Am I reaching out to connect, or to calm my own anxiety?Check in With Yourself
Focus on your own needs instead of over-focusing on your partner’s. What do you need in this moment—comfort, space, or reassurance from within?Communicate Without Pressure
Instead of flooding your partner with calls or questions, try sharing your feelings calmly:
“When I don’t hear from you, I feel anxious and disconnected. I want us to talk about it when you’re ready.”Respect Boundaries (Yours and Theirs)
Healthy relationships need breathing room. By honoring both your partner’s space and your own, you can reduce the push-pull tension.Seek Support Outside the Relationship
Friends, journaling, or therapy can provide a safe outlet for your emotions so you’re not relying on one person to soothe all of your fears.
The Bigger Picture
Pursuing isn’t about being “needy” or “too much”—it’s a natural response to the fear of losing connection. But when the cycle keeps repeating, both partners end up frustrated.
The hopeful part is that awareness creates change. When you learn to slow down, express your feelings with honesty, and build healthy space, relationships begin to feel more balanced and fulfilling.
Curious about the other side of this dynamic? Check out my blog on Why Some People Pull Away: Understanding the Distancer in Relationships
