The Problem with “Should” Statements
When we say “should,” “must,” or “ought to,” we often create rigid rules for ourselves and others. These rules might sound harmless, but they act like mental traps. Instead of helping us grow, they usually lead to guilt, frustration, and strained relationships. Many of us pick up these patterns from cultural expectations or early life experiences, but if left unchecked, they can function like a psychological straightjacket.
What “Should” Statements Look Like
Rigid expectations: Turning preferences into hard rules, like “I should always have my house spotless.”
Self-blame: Feeling shame when we don’t meet our own unrealistic standards, like “I should be more successful by now.”
Frustration with others: Expecting people to follow our internal rules, like “They should know better than to cancel last-minute.”
Perfectionism fuel: Keeping impossible standards that no one can actually live up to.
Why They Hurt
Self-worth takes a hit: Constant “shoulds” erode confidence and increase anxiety.
Relationships suffer: Imposing rules on others can create resentment and conflict.
Emotions spiral: The gap between what we think “should” happen and what is happening often leaves us angry, disappointed, or stuck.
How to Break the Cycle
Reframe the thought: Swap rigid rules for choices. Instead of “I should work late,” try “I’m choosing to rest tonight.”
Reality check: Ask yourself, “Whose standard is this? Is it realistic?”
Practice self-compassion: Replace harsh self-talk with what you’d say to a friend.
Clarify your values: Let values guide decisions instead of “shoulds.” For example, “I should host dinner” could become “I value connection, but peace matters more to me this year.”
Therapeutic Approaches That Help
CBT: Track and challenge “should” thoughts with evidence.
REBT: Dispute the “musts” that keep you stuck.
Mindfulness: Notice “should” statements without judgment so they lose power.
Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, famously said the most harmful beliefs are:
I must succeed.
Others must treat me the way I want.
The world must be fair.
When we shift from “should” to “choose,” we gain freedom, flexibility, and a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.
