12 Passive-Aggressive Behaviors and How to Handle Them

Passive-aggressive behavior can be frustrating, draining, and confusing. Often, it stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate directly, leaving conflicts unresolved. Recognizing these behaviors and knowing how to respond can protect your well-being and improve relationships.

Here are 12 common passive-aggressive behaviors and strategies for handling them with care and empathy.

1. The Silent Treatment

Refusing to communicate or engage when upset.
How to handle it: Stay calm and acknowledge the tension. Say something like, “I notice something seems off—I'm open to talking whenever you’re ready.”

2. Backhanded Compliments

Comments that appear positive but carry subtle insults (e.g., “Wow, you clean up nicely for once!”).
How to handle it: Address the contradiction neutrally: “The first part sounded positive, but the second part felt critical. Can you clarify?”

3. Procrastination and Missed Deadlines

Delaying tasks or missing deadlines to express frustration indirectly.
How to handle it: Set clear expectations and enforce consequences consistently. Avoid lecturing or over-explaining.

4. Purposeful Forgetfulness

“Accidentally” forgetting commitments or requests.
How to handle it: Document requests in writing, then address repeated forgetfulness directly but kindly.

5. Sarcasm and Snide Remarks

Using a condescending or cutting tone to express displeasure.
How to handle it: Stay calm and ask for clarification: “Can you explain what you meant by that comment?”

6. Disguised Verbal Attacks

Comments that seem innocent but carry hidden criticism (e.g., “No offense, but…”).
How to handle it: Call it out gently: “It sounds like something is bothering you. Can you share what’s really going on?”

7. Teasing

Insulting remarks masked as jokes.
How to handle it: Don’t laugh off hurtful comments. State clearly: “That comment was hurtful. I’d appreciate if we avoided this type of teasing.”

8. Victim Playing

Deflecting responsibility by portraying themselves as the victim.
How to handle it: Avoid engaging defensively. Restate your perspective calmly and objectively.

9. Intentional Mistakes or Poor Work

Purposely doing subpar work to express dissatisfaction.
How to handle it: Address it directly but without judgment: “This doesn’t seem like your best work. What challenges came up?”

10. Public Embarrassment

Making underhanded comments or gestures in front of others.
How to handle it: Don’t react emotionally in the moment. Address the behavior privately later.

11. Sulking and Withdrawing

Withdrawing affection or giving the cold shoulder to express displeasure.
How to handle it: Don’t give in to the sulking. Wait until the person is ready to communicate directly.

12. Gossiping and Rumor-Spreading

Talking negatively behind someone’s back.
How to handle it: Avoid engagement, change the subject, or remove yourself from the situation.

Setting Boundaries for Chronic Passive-Aggression

When passive-aggressive behavior becomes a pattern, it’s essential to set clear boundaries.

• Communicate directly: Explain how repeated behavior affects you. Example:
  "I’ve noticed comments that sound like jokes but feel insulting. While I know you may not intend harm, it impacts our relationship. Please communicate directly if something is bothering you."

• Be specific: Identify which behaviors are unacceptable and outline consequences for repeated offenses.

• Model assertiveness: Communicate openly and directly yourself, avoiding passive-aggressive responses.

• Enforce consistently: Follow through with consequences if boundaries are violated, whether that means limiting contact or seeking professional support.

Setting and enforcing boundaries takes patience, but it protects your well-being and promotes healthier communication. Don’t hesitate to enlist help from others or a counselor if the situation feels unmanageable.