12 Passive-Aggressive Behaviors and How to Handle Them
Passive-aggressive behavior is a way people express anger, frustration, or dissatisfaction indirectly. Instead of communicating feelings openly, the behavior often appears in subtle actions, tone, or patterns that hint at resentment or resistance. Recognizing these behaviors can help you navigate relationships more effectively and respond with awareness rather than reaction.
Passive-aggressive patterns are not always intentional or conscious. Many people develop them as coping strategies when expressing anger directly feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or socially risky.
Here are 12 common passive-aggressive behaviors and strategies for handling them with care and empathy.
1. The Silent Treatment
Withholding communication to express displeasure or influence a situation is common in romantic or family relationships. For example, a partner might stop responding to texts after a disagreement.
How to handle it: Stay calm and acknowledge the tension without assigning blame. For instance, say, “I notice there’s some distance. I’m open to talking when you feel ready.” This creates space without escalating conflict.
2. Backhanded Compliments
A backhanded compliment might sound like, “I’m surprised you remembered to cook dinner tonight,” or “You look good for having stayed up late with the kids.”
How to handle it: Name the mixed message neutrally. For example, “The first part felt positive, but the second part sounded critical. Can you clarify?” This encourages clarity while keeping tone calm.
3. Delaying or Avoiding Shared Responsibilities
In relationships, procrastination or avoidance can appear as consistently putting off chores, postponing shared plans, or leaving emotional work undone.
How to handle it: Clearly communicate expectations and agreements. Use neutral language: “I noticed the laundry wasn’t done today. Can we review how to share tasks more evenly?” Focusing on behavior rather than intention helps reduce defensiveness.
4. Purposeful Forgetfulness
Repeatedly “forgetting” important dates, conversations, or responsibilities can signal avoidance or frustration. Examples include forgetting anniversaries or neglecting to pass along agreed-upon messages.
How to handle it: Address repeated patterns calmly: “I noticed this happened again. Let’s talk about how we can make it easier to remember.”
5. Sarcasm or Snide Remarks
Comments that carry subtle criticism under the guise of humor might include remarks like, “Oh, you finally decided to show up” or “Wow, I wouldn’t have expected that from you.”
How to handle it: Respond calmly and ask for clarification. For example, “Can you explain what you meant by that comment?” or state your experience: “That comment felt hurtful. I’d like to avoid this type of remark.”
6. Disguised Verbal Attacks
Statements that sound harmless but carry judgment, such as “No offense, but you always…” are common in close relationships.
How to handle it: Address the underlying tension calmly: “It sounds like something is bothering you. Can you share what’s on your mind?” This invites direct discussion while maintaining connection.
7. Resentment Masked as Agreeableness
Someone may superficially agree to plans or decisions while feeling frustrated internally, such as going along with a social gathering but expressing subtle irritability.
How to handle it: Invite honest communication: “I want to make sure this works for both of us. How are you feeling about the plan?” This encourages transparency without judgment.
8. Blaming Others or Shifting Responsibility
Indirect blaming can appear in relationships when someone implies the other is at fault for emotional tension, such as saying, “If you hadn’t brought that up, we wouldn’t be fighting.”
How to handle it: Maintain calm, restate your perspective, and focus on moving forward: “I understand your point. Here’s how I see it, and what I think we can do next.”
9. Intentional Mistakes or Poor Follow-Through
In relationships, this can look like intentionally mismanaging household tasks, missing small commitments, or providing minimal effort in joint activities.
How to handle it: Address behavior neutrally: “This task didn’t get done as we discussed. Can you tell me what made it difficult?” Focus on challenges and solutions rather than personal blame.
10. Public Embarrassment
Making underhanded comments in front of friends or family, such as mocking a partner in social settings, signals frustration indirectly.
How to handle it: You have options depending on what feels safest and effective:
Address it in the moment if possible and safe: “That comment felt hurtful. Can we speak about this privately?” This names the impact without escalating.
Step away if needed: If emotions feel high or the environment isn’t safe for discussion, it’s okay to remove yourself and return to the conversation later.
Process afterward: Once emotions settle, revisit the issue privately: “Earlier, that comment in front of others was upsetting. I’d like to understand what was behind it.”
This approach balances protecting your own experience, maintaining connection, and encouraging reflection from the other person.
11. Withdrawal of Affection or Support
Withholding emotional or physical closeness in response to conflict or perceived slights, such as ignoring a partner or refusing to engage, is a subtle way of signaling dissatisfaction.
How to handle it: Notice the pattern and invite communication when possible: “I sense distance right now. When you feel ready, I’d like to understand what’s going on.”
12. Gossiping or Talking Behind Someone’s Back
Sharing complaints about a partner or family member with others rather than addressing the issue directly communicates dissatisfaction indirectly.
How to handle it: Refocus conversations on direct communication and observable behavior: “I haven’t experienced that myself.” or “I would rather not discuss someone that isn’t here” Avoiding participation in gossip reduces relational tension.
Setting Boundaries for Chronic Passive-Aggression in Relationships
Persistent passive-aggressive patterns can create ongoing strain. Boundaries in close relationships clarify expectations and create space for honest communication. Strategies include:
Define responsibilities, agreements, and expectations clearly
Respond to behaviors rather than intentions, focusing on specific examples
Maintain neutral, calm language when addressing conflicts
Limit engagement in indirect conflicts or gossip
Encourage direct communication while allowing space for processing
Boundaries support clearer interaction and help relationships remain connected rather than reactive.
If This Feels Familiar
Observing these patterns in your relationships provides an opportunity to notice how tension is expressed and how communication unfolds. Awareness allows for thoughtful responses, reflection on boundaries, and adjustments in interaction. Responding with clarity, patience, and empathy helps reduce miscommunication and allows for more direct discussion of concerns.
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